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Solidifying its claims as an entertainment agency, Lottery hires Tom Cruise
Movie star Tom Cruise announced yesterday that he had signed on as Massachusetts Lottery spokesman.
Mr. Cruise became interested in the post after hearing the Lottery Commission's executive director, Joseph Sullivan, describe the Lottery as an "entertainment agency."
When Sullivan indicated the commission would be willing to finance Mr. Cruise's next installment in the "Mission Impossible" movie series, the star reportedly bounded onto a nearby sofa and declared he would enter into six-party negations with North Korea, Iran, China, Hill Holiday, and Pat Robertson.
Hill Holiday, the advertising agency that has been contracted by the Lottery Commission, said, in a press release, that through the multiparty talks "a mutual agreement had been reached that met both the needs of the Lottery Commission and Cruise's closely held beliefs in scientology." Mr. Cruise has agreed not to fire any of his missiles at the teaching hospitals around Boston and Lottery officials have agreed not to take any psychiatric drugs.
The state Department of Education has agreed to make all the books authored by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard part of the curriculum frameworks for Massachusetts public schools. And Pat Robertson, North Korea, and Iran have promised to continue behaving like rogue nations.
Mr. Cruise hailed his signing with the Lottery as a moment in history on par with the galactic shake-up 75 million years ago, when, according to the beliefs of Scientology, an alien ruler sent billions of subjects to this planet to solve an overpopulation problem and ended up sowing the seeds that have led to the current evils on earth.
The actor has promised to use his powers as an "Operating Thetan 6" in Scientology to recruit more lottery players by purging the Body Thetans from some 500,000 Massachusetts residents each year, including cats and dogs, who, Mr. Cruise believes, should be eligible to play the Lottery since they don't take any psychiatric drugs..
While some Lottery observers have questioned whether bringing in Mr. Cruise, a 40-something actor whose recent behavior has made him something of a figure of ridicule, is the best way for the Lottery to achieve its goal of attracting more people in their 30s and 40s to the state agency's games, Sullivan maintains that Cruise, like Ethan Hunt, the character Cruise plays in the "Mission Impossible" movies, is the perfect man for the job.
"What we want to convey to our audience is that playing the Lottery is a little dangerous and completely crazy. Who better to convey that than Tom Cruise?"
Mr. Cruise agreed, adding, in a reprise of a famous quote from "Mission: Impossible III," "I'll die unless you kill me!"
A Lottery spokesman acknowledged that the commission had considered using Star Jones Reynolds as a spokesman. But the television personality, who said two weeks ago she was leaving the daytime chat show "The View" because ABC wasn't renewing her contract, proved to be even more demanding than Mr. Cruise.
The spokesman said that for her services Reynolds would accept nothing less than the assassination of Barbara Walters, the creator of "The View."
"As much as we may have wanted to do it, and as much as we may have felt it would be a wise use of taxpayer money, we had to wonder where it would end," he said. "Would she be ordering us to shoot lottery players for their
winning tickets? You know, she's a lawyer. So she probably could have gotten away with it. But did we really want to have to deal with a lawyer every day? Lawyers are crazier than Scientologists."
Mr. Cruise has set up a tent on the Esplanade where he has been brainstorming on Lottery promotional ideas with Scientologist ministers and three of the religion's more famous adherents, John Travolta, Lisa Marie Presley, and Beck, a triumvirate that Mr. Cruise sometimes refers to as "the axis of Scientology."
He has already offered to have a baby with Star Jones Reynolds and name it after a winning Lottery number.
"Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the ... heck," said Mr. Cruise.
But the actor added he would like to do something even more spectacular than create life with Ms. Reynolds.
One idea he broached involved flying a helicopter through the I-90 tunnel.
According to Mr. Cruise's vision, he would pilot the craft through the tunnel, dodging rush hour and falling concrete ceiling blocks while a terrified Matthew Amorello, the Turnpike Authority chairman, swung wildly from a rope fixed to the helicopter tail boom and a banner tied to Amorello's right ankle trailed behind and in full view of the motorists below.
On it is a quote from one of the "Mission: Impossible III characters, Theodore Brassel, which Mr. Cruise says perfectly expresses his philosophy of life. "You can look at me with those judgmental eyes all you want, but I [b.s.] you not. I will bleed on the American flag to make sure those stripes stay red."
Mr. Cruise said he would spend a lot of his time in Massachusetts publicly professing his love for the Lottery. He also promised to make the state truly an "entertainment agency" by installing his agent and Scientologist sister, Lee Anne De Vette, as the state's governor and Turnpike chairman. |
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